"Confessions of a Geek"

Ladies and gentleman…geeks and nerds of all ages…I bring you one of the hottest geek chicks on the web! So without further ado I bring you Sarah Almond from "The Sadder But Wiser Girl"!

MJM

 

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This could very well be me:  A redhead who played the flute in band from elementary school through college and beyond.  But I never went to band camp.  So I can’t have the cool catch phrase.

My band days may be long gone, but that doesn’t make things much different for me. Throw me in any social situation these days and I’m like a fish out of water, a hobbit out of the shire, or dare I say a taun taun in the desert.  I know, AWKWARD.  I live amongst the disturbingly thin and beautiful Scandinavian population in Central Iowa where I fit in sooooo well.  Good times. 

Part of my problem is my inherent inability to make this thing known as small talk.  While I can talk about the weather for a few minutes, and maybe a thing or two about my kids, the vast majority of things that fascinate other people don’t even really register on my radar. 

That’s because I speak GEEK.  Yeah, I’m one of those.  Not only am I a geek, I’m also married to one.  In addition to this, I’m raising my very own geeklings.  I’ve seen and I can totally kick your butt at Star Wars trivia.

One of my geeklings.  I think the purple nightie sets off the Iron Man mask quite well, don’t you?

Don’t get me wrong, I like some of the things that decidedly normal people like.  I like clothes.  I work out.  I love movies and music.  I like a big glass of wine on the weekends.  I like to look at Pinterest.  But despite all of these things I seriously belong to a whole other  world. 

Years ago I tried to hide my geekiness and act like normal people, but as I have gotten older and have been referred to more than once as kind of weird, I realize that it really doesn’t matter any more.

So I’m going to make it a little easier on you people.  I present to you the vastly contrasting things between what would be considered a “normal” female’s world and mine:

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I like to talk about movies.  But don’t talk to me about The Notebook or Silver Linings Playbook.   I’d rather talk about Iron Man 3.

Oh, you know a little French?  I know a little Klingon.

Golf is a four letter word in your house?   Hmmmm, Skyrim is the same thing in my house.

Do you own pets named Fluffy and Spike?  Mine are named Rogue and Neo.

What do your kids like to spend money on?  My 5 and 8 year old children pooled their Christmas money so that they could buy Skylanders for our Xbox.

So you say you can name all of the people on Real Housewives of Orange County?  I can name every major character on all five Star Trek series.  

You said you’ve read the whole 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy?  I’ve read the whole Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

You named your kids names like Emma and Brayden.  We considered names like Jadzia and Zephram.

You spent your Saturday morning getting a pedicure?  I spent mine at the comic book store.

 

 

My son loves the comic book store, and for good reason…

Your say your kids got an Xbox? I’ll see your Xbox and raise you an Atari, a 3DO, a Nintendo, a SuperNintendo, a GameCube, a Playstation 2, and a TANDY.  Yes, a Tandy.

Your favorite show is Gossip Girl?  Mine is The Big Bang Theory.

You went to see Sex and the City on opening night?  I saw Star Trek: Insurrection on opening night.  I was one of the only girls there, unless you counted the ones in the ISU Marching Band.  By the way that had to be the coolest night of my life.

How many times have you watched Bridgette Jones Diary?  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen The Empire Strikes Back at least 100 times.

You play the Sims a little?  I bet my husband’s Sims could kick your Sims asses.

What did you ask for when it was your birthday?  I asked to go see Iron Man 3 and Star Trek Into Darkness!

Sarah Almond is the mother of two geeklings and is married to a certified Evil Genius.  When she’s not losing her keys, avoiding the dishes,  or watching her husband build an Iron Man suit, she writes the blog The Sadder But Wiser Girl.  You can read all about the insanity that is her life at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

 

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So there you have it.  I’m totally okay with being a big geek.  If that scares you away, so be it.  I wouldn’t be trying too hard to talk to you anyway.

“PS Vita and a toilet”

No…this isn't a thread about how the PS Vita sucks…and how the only thing it's good for is toilet paper. I actually like the little guy, sure it's not the best thing since sliced bread, but it has its moments.

My Vita has become like my Wii…kind of just sitting around waiting for that special game to play. It's like a CoD camper, it just waits there, not moving a muscle until I walk by…then it's plow...how do you like me now.

Well this past weekend I was given Resistance: Burning Skies just because people knew how much I enjoyed the series on the PS3. At first I just put it aside not really giving it a second thought, but then for some strange reason as I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling I figured I would give it a try.

While playing the game my stomach felt as if it was bubbling over...kind of like a witches cauldron...so I had to make a mad dash to the crapper…of course with the Vita still in my hands.

As I sat there dropping off the goods…I was playing the Vita the whole time…not being aware of how much time had passed because I was so deep into my game. Once I snapped back into reality and realized I was sitting in my own funk for what must have been twenty minutes or so I was ready to move on.

I placed my Vita on the shelf and started taking care of business…all the time being careful not to hurt my Vita…like any good parent would do. I couldn’t very well try to handle business with my Vita in my hands…unless of course I was like an octopus…then I could wipe and play at the same time…now that would be freaking cool.
 
When everything was all cleaned out I attempted to stand up...but with my legs not having any feeling in them since sat so long it didn't work out as planned. I almost crashed into the shower but luckily was able to grab onto the sink and hold myself up until I regained feeling back into my legs.

So the moral of this story is, don't game on the toilet unless you have a spotter...and don't touch my Vita when you come over, unless you're wearing gloves or have some hand sanitizer available.

MJM

“The tough life of a gamer”

How can someone who knows absolutely nothing about video games work in the video game section of a store?! I was at Target the other day...I saw "Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning" on sale for $20...I've always wanted to play it so I figured now would be a good time to pick it up…especially after having to format my PS3 and losing all my saved data.

Now I know these departments aren’t called the video game department, they are not exclusive to video games…they are called the electronics department…but in that case , like my mom used to say…if you don’t know what you’re talking about then shut your piehole and open your ears because you may just learn something.

I also always like to hear people’s opinions of these games…just to hear what they have to say…and who knows maybe make a new friend…oh who am I kidding, what I meant to say was make “a” friend. Yes I’m lonely…my Miis just aren’t cutting it any more…I need some real friends…I’m craving that human contact.

So I asked the clerk who was assisting me…because you know how these stores are they lock their games away behind those super impenetrable force fields…which can only be opened with the master key…and sometimes when trying to find a clerk and/or fight through the other nitwits in the store it can actually play out like a quest right out of Zelda.

I asked this guy…who was about my age and looked like one of the guys from ZZ Top if he has heard anything about the game and/or if he’s played it. At first he looked kind of puzzled…as if I just asked him the final Jeopardy question…he hesitated for a moment then finally spoke…he said, “I have not played it, but I heard it’s a lot like Mortal Kombat” which just so happened to be the next game over.

Now I never played the game myself either…but I sure as hell knew it was nothing like Mortal Kombat…I felt like slapping him upside the head like as if I was Gibbs and he was DiNozzo. I restrained myself though…mainly because I knew he would most likely kick my ass…and just shook my head and walked away. This nincompoop must have thought just because they were next to each other on the shelf that they were within the same genre…of stupid little man…he just has no freaking idea.

I went and found my girlfriend in the clothes section…and asked her to go back and pick up the game for me…because I couldn’t look at that guy again…at least not without crying. She was pissed…called me an idiot…then stormed off to get the game for me.

The moral of the story…don’t talk to strangers…especially about video games…unless you can kick some serious ass and run really fast.

MJM

“My PS3…”

My best friend almost died on me…he saw the light…just lucky for me it wasn’t the yellow light of death. I was able to revive him…bring him back from the dead…but unfortunately he is not the same. He has forgotten our whole time together…the years of quality time we spent together all down the drain…he is like a stranger now.

My PS3 had some corrupted files on it…and I tried all the tricks to avoid having to erase his memory like I was one of the Men in Black…but nothing worked, so I had to pull the plug…or in this case push the button…I had to format him.

When all was said and done he powered back up…and I was happy…but then I become sad…everything was different. It was like he grew up…became a man…and then went all Benjamin Button on me…now he has to grow up all over again.

Now I have to re-teach him everything…I have to start from scratch. I had to hold back the tears when I put games in him that I know he was all too familiar with and now he’s lost…it really broke my heart. Updates…loads…and re-downloads…not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I do love the advancements in technology…the cyber gods have been good to us gamers…they have blessed us with many wonderful gifts…but I just wish there was a way to “save our saves” when something like this happens. I know we have to whole cloud thing…and we could always back up our data onto a USB…but we shouldn’t have to take the extra steps and/or pay for this service…it should just happen.

This whole ordeal has really made me miss the days of memory cards…or even save codes that were made up of over twenty characters and included numbers, letters and symbols like back in the NES days. Sure those codes where annoying…you had to keep track of the paper you wrote them on…and you had to make sure you were able to decipher an “I” from a “1” and a “O” from a “0”…but at least if something happened to the console itself you didn’t have to start completely over again.

I also miss the days when if a game didn’t work all you had to do was Monica Lewinsky it (blow it) and it would start working again…no formats…no overheating…and no corrupted files. The NES was a real beast…it was like Timex…it takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

I guess I should be happy because I’m still able to play with him without having to pay any outrageous medical (repair) bills…but it just sucks putting in a game that you’ve spent countless hours on and now having to start over again.

Pour some Mountain Dew out for my friend…the old him will be greatly missed…and never forgotten.

MJM

“Why I love video games...”

Not only because they are fun and kick donkey...but because the lifestyle is made up of so many diverse and wonderful people. It doesn't matter your sex, age, ethnicity, sexual preference, how you dress, etc...it also doesn't matter if you have a spiritual faith or not, Democrat or Republican or even what sports team you like...once video games come around all those differences that would normally keep us apart go away and our love of video games shines through.

You know what, maybe if more people in the world played video games we would finally see world peace...the rest of the world doesn't hate us and our way of life, they just hate the fact that we don't invite them over to get down with some video games.

Not only should we drop food and medicine to the people in need in other countries, but we should also drop an NES and a wide assortment of games for them to play...we need to start them off slow, can't go and drop off an Xbox 360 or a PS3 and expect them not to freak out and nerd rage all over us. We thought we nerd raged bad when we were younger...we haven't seen anything yet...these bastard have bomb belts and AK-47s!

Sure there will always be fanboys...but now if my idea worked, we wouldn't have them around for too long...because they would all be blowing themselves up in the name of their system. They believe that if you die a martyrs death that you go to the great video game console in the sky (fanboys choice of course as to which console that is) and have all the games ever made for that particular system.

We could also have someone re-record John Lennon's "Give Peace a Chance" to something like "Give Princess Peach a Chance".

See what I mean about how video games bring us together...look at all this love...isn't it great. We should all get together and have a big group hug...just as long as I'm not in the middle...I would hate for it to turn into a circle jerk session.

MJM

“I'm calling you out...”

Outside that is!

Now I know the world can be a scary place…especially if all you know are video games…but it can also be a lot of fun too. I just have a few things to go over with you before you step outside the front door.

The graphics are going to be better than anything you’ve ever seen…so try not to freak out. The bright glowing orb in the sky is not a power button, so please don't try to turn it off…your eyes will adjust in a minute or so. I must also warn you that more often than not, the gameplay and storyline are going to suck…but that is not a reason to go running back inside.

When it comes to communicating with others…out here people's names don't appear over their heads, you must talk to them to find out what their “gamertag” is. Please remember… if you want to speak to someone out here in the real world you have to make eye contact with them and speak without using internet slang (and a mic)…and it’s a good idea to physically laugh when someone says something funny instead of just saying “LOL”…that’s just strange.

If someone says something nice to you and/or does something nice for you there is no “like” button to show them you appreciate it and/or agree…you must actually tell them. There is also no message box that pops up to let you know when your friends (and I use that term loosely) are outside…here you have to do a little leg work if you want to find out that information.

I can guarantee you won't find anyone named KillerDeathSlayer27 out here either, so don’t sweat it if your name is just Bob…that’s alright. Also, the mailman is not an enemy soldier; don't try to knife him…that would be very bad.

Don’t try to stomp on people’s heads that you don’t get along with…they don’t like that…and they’ll probably end up beating you down. So you know…if you happen to go to prison…you won’t find a princess there...that is unless that is what Bubba calls you while you're holding onto his belt loop...so stay out of trouble.

There are no giant floating coins for you to collect either…you must get a job if you want to buy things…like groceries and clothes…not potions and swords…I know it sucks but we all have to do it.

Finally, stay out of the road…if you get hit there is no respawn…it’s game over…like for real…no more lives.

MJM

“What the poop”

I don't know if this is true or not, but someone told me that some companies are contemplating getting rid of the paper game manuals that come with the games. I'm pretty sure all the games I've purchased as of late have a manual inside, but the day I open a game and see that the left side of the case is barren, I just may cry.

As crazy as it sounds I don't really read the manuals prior to playing the games, they are saved for a more important occasion. When I don't have the latest issue of my favorite gaming magazine available they do come in handy when I'm in a pinch. Now by pinch, of course I "do" mean pinching a loaf...yes, I admit it…I read them when I'm on the thrown…and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Haven't used one to wipe just yet, but I'm sure if I'm ever without the proper equipment and there's mud on the flaps, I may just have to.

Besides the paper manuals have been a staple in the gaming world since as far back as I can remember and getting rid of them would be a sin. Am I the only one who thinks this, does anyone else feel my pain?

Speaking of pooping and all the fun things that go along with it...

I'm not normally one to drop the kids off at a public pool, if you know what I mean (using a public restroom). However, this past weekend we were out and I had to go really bad, to put it bluntly I was prairie dogging it and if I didn't find relief soon I would have blown the back of my pants out with a poop bomb.

So I clinched my cheeks firmly together and wobbled into the restroom, making sure not to have any leakage along the way, and proceeded to drop off my cargo when I docked. Shortly after the first drop, plop and splash I realized I was stinking up the joint, so I turned around and reached for the handle to do a courtesy flush.

To my dismay I noticed it was one of those automatic flushing toilets and I was poop out of luck (pardon the pun); well unless I wanted to hop off the seat with my full moon hanging out in all its glory to make the toilet believe I was done.

I even tried to move side to side like a running back trying to avoid being tackled with the hopes tricking the toilet into thinking I was off the seat so it would flush, but that didn't work out all that well...all I did was leave poop smears on the toilet seat.

Needless to say, I tried to quickly finish up so I could get out of there before anyone else came in and smelt what I dealt...which thankfully I managed to do.

In my opinion, this is one time where technology did us wrong, they should have just left well enough alone. I love the advancements in technology when it comes to my video games, but please for gosh darn sakes, leave my toilets alone! Say goodbye to the courtesy flush people, it's a thing of the past...thanks to all these eggheads.

Speaking of using a public restroom...

Am I the only one who feels he needs to have his butt sandblasted after dropping the kids off at a public pool? I always get the heeby jeebies when I have to sit on a toilet seat that I know has been around the block more times than Wilt Chamberlin.

I spend about five minutes or so just trying to wipe the gosh darn thing down…all the while hoping I don't poop myself. Also, those stupid paper seat covers aren't with a damn either, they slide all over the place and when you go to stand up they hang off you like a wedding dress' train…what’s up with that.

OK I'm done talking poop...I know it's probably TMI, but what can I say, I like to be upfront and honest.

MJM